South Park Fan Script Ep 101: Homophobiaphobic
by Trenterprise
Summary: This is my first South Park fanscript. Word gets around that one of the fourth grade boys is gay. Everyone goes above and beyond to show how happy they are for him, but one of the boys is quickly discovered by the other students to be a "homophobe". *WARNING* This will not have SLASH.


"Homophobiaphobic"

ACT I

TITLE SEQUENCE

ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

INT. FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM

Mr. Garrison writes a detailed explanation of the plot to _Inception_ on the chalkboard. The students in the class are already covertly packing up.

The SCHOOL BELL RINGS.

Mr. Garrison turns back to find only Kyle remains in his seat.

** GARRISON **  
**Impatient little shits.**

Kyle clearly heard him and looks at him with disapproval. He walks toward the door but notices a marble notebook on a desk. "CRAIG" is written in big block letters on the cover.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The hallway is empty, with the exception of Craig sorting through random shit in his locker.

Kyle runs across the hall, giving more weight to returning the notebook than the situation warrants.

**KYLE **  
**(out of breath) **  
**Craig. You forgot this in class.**

Craig, nonchalant, looks to Kyle and spots the notebook. His eyes grow wide.

**CRAIG **  
**Oh. Shit. I mean, thank you.**

Craig yanks the notebook from Kyle's clutch. A large, folded collage falls out. Craig's expression becomes more frantic.

Kyle unfolds the collage, his eyes darting to the paper and back to Craig. Shirtless pictures of members of One Direction fill the page completely.

**KYLE **  
**So you're a big fan of One **  
**Direction?**

**CRAIG **  
**Sure, they're cool, I guess.**

Craig reaches for the collage but Kyle looks closer and finds a hand drawn picture of one of the members (doesn't matter which), naked with an erect penis.

**KYLE **  
**A _huge_ fan...**

Craig yanks the collage away and throws it into his locker.

**KYLE (CONT'D) **  
**Is there something you need to get **  
**off your chest? I won't judge.**

Craig slams his locker shut and walks away but Kyle doesn't budge.

**KYLE (CONT'D) **  
**Are you gay?**

Craig stops for a moment, a bit affected.

**CRAIG **  
**(quietly) **  
**I like guys, no big deal.**

**KYLE **  
**Because you know I'm not a **  
**homophobe.**

Kyle follows him, though from a distance.

**KYLE (CONT'D) **  
**It's okay if you don't want to talk **  
**about it. But openness can be **  
**rewarding, y'know. So just, just **  
**tell me.**

Craig turns around to face Kyle.

**CRAIG **  
**I'm gay. I said it before but you **  
**didn't...**

**KYLE **  
**(cuts him off) **  
**Whoa. You're so **  
**(pause) **  
**brave. Am I the first person you've **  
**told?**

Craig won't answer. Kyle takes this as affirmation.

Craig looks unphased but Kyle approaches Craig, eyes closed, and embraces Craig in a hug.

**KYLE (CONT'D)**  
**I'm here for you dude.**

Kyle smiles. He pats Craig on the back.

Craig flips off the air as if it's Kyle.

ESTABLISHING SHOT - EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY

Crowds of kids and a few teachers flood into the hallway. Craig is among them.

Craig makes his way down the hall but as he does, a few girls lurking in the shadows WHISPER to each other.

Craig halts and looks around. The girls hide deeper into the shadows. He continues. The girls GIGGLE.

The girls, now revealed to be Fourth Graders, cluster behind Craig. He pays no attention as he opens his locker. He pulls out two books then turns around.

A horde of Fourth Grade Girls surround him completely. Bebe leads them as she makes awkwardly close eye contact with Craig. Bebe's mischievous smile, along with the other girls, is creepy as hell.

**CRAIG **  
**Uh. Good morning?**

**BEBE **  
**Is it true?**

Craig looks from side to side as the girls inch closer.

**CRAIG **  
**Is what...?**

**BEBE **  
**(cuts him off) **  
**Are you gay?**

Craig turns around and shuts his locker. He turns back around and they are all ecstatic.

**BEBE (CONT'D) **  
**(super fast) **  
**Kelly was told by Mandy who was **  
**told by Nicole who overheard Lola **  
**being told by Timmy as translated **  
**by Jimmy that Nelly learned from **  
**Nancy **  
**(takes a deep breath) **  
**who was given a note from Jason **  
**about overhearing Kyle telling **  
**Wendy that you were gay.**

An eerie silence follows. A random girl from the crowd breaks the silence in a loud, high-pitched voice:

**GIRL IN CROWD **  
**Is it true?**

Craig, still inexpressive, looks down then up again. He holds his books tight and backs up.

**CRAIG **  
**Yeah, sure, I guess.**

The girls SQUEAL in unison. The girls grab Craig's arms and surround him completely. They move as a herd down the hall, Craig in the center.

**CRAIG (CONT'D) **  
**What are you doing?**

Two of the girls lock arms with Craig. They exit the school.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY - CONTINUOUS

The girls continue leaving. Craig tries to pull out of their grip but to no avail.

**CRAIG (CONT'D)**  
**Where are you taking me?**

**HEIDI**  
**To the mall, silly.**

**RED**  
**Totes. Every gay guy needs an**  
**alternating attire.**

**CRAIG**  
**But class.**

The girls GIGGLE and rush off the school property, Craig stuck in the mix, now noticeably worried.

MONTAGE BEGINS

The music doesn't really have lyrics. It's just a bunch of danceclub bass sounds with random stereotypical girl words being said in autotune.

INT. DENVER, COLORADO MALL - DAY

The crowd of girls, with Craig still trapped, flood through multiple entrances.

INT. HOLLISTER - CONTINUOUS

Two of the girls force Craig into a dressing room and throw piles of clothes over the door.

INT. HOLLISTER DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Craig, in underwear and hat, collapses under the weight of all the clothes as it lands on him.

INT. HOLLISTER - CONTINUOUS

Craig stands in front of a row of mirrors as the girls gawk at his varying outfits. One after the other, the outfits get more flamboyant.

Craig is deadpan but the girls are getting a kick out of it.

**GIRLS VOICES**  
**Sexy! You're so fierce! Work it**  
**gurl!**

INT. DENVER, COLORADO MALL - CONTINUOUS

Craig, now with a flashy v-neck and tight skinny jeans, is rushed in the center of the girl storm. Some of the girls carry bags of more clothes.

INT. HAIR SALON - CONTINUOUS

Everybody in the salon is smiling at the sight of Craig as he's ushered into a stylist's chair.

A few women with an obscene amount of makeup on sit with their hair in steamers. They eye over Craig while reading from overtly Photoshopped-cover magazines. They smile profusely.

The hairstylist, so happy for him that her smile seems plastic, yanks off Craig's yellow-poof hat.

She shaves off the sides of his head and grabs a handful of a mix of hair products. She jams all the products at once through his scalp, much to the chagrin of Craig.

The chair is spun around to show Craig how he looks in the mirror. His hair is a modern pompadour with a certain boy-band quality to it.

The girls are wild with excitement. They pull him off the chair.

INT. DENVER. COLORADO MALL - CONTINUOUS

The herd of girls plus Craig continues down the mall again.

INSERT RAPIDFIRE MOMENTS:

Craig given huge sunglasses and hipster glasses to try on.

Craig having eyeliner forcebly drawn around his eyes at a kiosk.

Craig squirming as he gets one of his ears pierced.

Craig narrowly making his way out of the mall while carrying a stack of shoeboxes.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - DAY

The girls walk in slow-motion with Craig in the center. The music in the montage shifts to that slow-motion quality.

Some of the girls take selfies with Craig while still walking forward.

END MONTAGE

INT. FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM - DAY

Craig stands out with a certain air of gawdiness and discomfort. The girls fixate on him periodically.

Mr. Garrison is still illustrating, to the best of his abilities, the plot to _Inception_.

Cartman, who is getting a kick out of the new Craig, sits in the row behind him. He makes escalating _psst_ sounds behind Craig, trying to catch his attention.

Craig pretends not to notice.

**CARTMAN**  
**(quiet yet somehow loud)**  
_**Craig. Hey Craig.**_

Craig tries harder to ignore him.

Cartman rips out a wad of paper, crumples it up, and lobs it at Craig's head. He still refuses to acknowledge Cartman.

Cartman GRUMBLES, then decides to toss a notebook at the chair. Cartman cups his hands around his mouth.

**CARTMAN**  
**_Craig._**

**CRAIG**  
**(pissed but whispering)**  
**_What?_**

Cartman smirks with an air of overconfidence.

**CARTMAN**  
**I read in the Gayly News that you**  
**have a certain boner for people of**  
**the male variety.**

Craig goes to say something but then:

**NICHOLE**  
**Shut up Cartman.**

**MILLY**  
**Yeah, Cartman. Learn to mind your**  
**own business.**

Craig turns back to the front of the classroom, trying to ignore it all. Cartman gets a bit louder.

**CARTMAN**  
**I think it's _great_, Craig. It's**  
**truly inspirational.**

There's a pause between them all. Mr. Garrison is still lecturing, unaware.

**GARRISON**  
**And the hollowed-out bishop totem**  
**is a metaphor for Ellen Page's**  
**_vagina_...**

**NICHOLE**  
**So wait, you like that he's gay?**  
**And you're not going to rip on him?**  
**(pause)**  
**I'm not buying it.**

**CARTMAN**  
**(fake offense to it)**  
**Come on Nicholisha.**

**NICHOLE**  
**NICHOLE!**

Mr. Garrison stops, but then continues scribbling on the board.

**CARTMAN**  
**Right, right, _Nicole_. I respect and**  
**admire Craig for being brave.**

His smile looks way too fake but the girls just shrug.

Cartman extends his right leg and nudges the back of Craig's seat.

**CARTMAN**  
**(whispers again)**  
**_Hey Craig. Hey Craig._**

Craig turns around to Cartman and gives a death glare.

**CARTMAN**  
**Dude, all I want to say is, you're**  
**brave and cool and just, I don't**  
**want you getting any false hope.**

There is an awkward stare between the two, Mr. Garrison mumbles off more stuff about _Inception_.

**CRAIG**  
**What the hell are you getting at?**

**CARTMAN**  
**(cuts him off)**  
**I don't want you thinking that I**  
**may switch teams, y'know. You may**  
**be enamored by my bulging**  
**muscles...**

Craig rolls his eyes but Cartman continues.

**CARTMAN (CONT'D)**  
**My firm ass, my flowing mane of**  
**chestnut hair...**

Craig closes his eyes and holds the bridge of his nose in frustration.

**CRAIG**  
**Please stop embarassing...**

**CARTMAN**  
**(interupting)**  
**No! You should never be embarassed.**  
**I may not be attracted to you but**  
**you should never be embarrassed of**  
**your unmitigated sexual fixation**  
**towards my body, coursing with the**  
**testosterone your people so desire.**

**CRAIG**  
**Are you seriously...?**

The SCHOOL BELL RINGS. The kids jump out of their desks like before but Mr. Garrison scorns their behavior with a point of his finger.

**GARRISON**  
**You sit your butts down.**

Everybody, with various degrees of being startled, sit back down.

Mr. Garrison continues writing on the board.

**GARRISON**  
**And with the combination of**  
**overexplanation and loose character**  
**threads, we can conclude that**  
**Leonardo DiCaprio would never**  
**receive and Academy Award...**

Mr. Garrison circles Ellen Page's name on the board multiple times.

**GARRISON**  
**And Ellen Page was gay the whole**  
**time. Now, did everybody write that**  
**down?**

Mr. Garrison turns around and they are all gone like before.

Garrison, frustration building up inside, spins around and kicks the desk against the wall. He collapses on the floor from the adrenaline rush.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Craig rushes the hell out of the school without even going to his locker.

The kids notice this.

Some of the Fourth Grade Girls conglomerate near the lockers of some of the Fourth Grade Boys (Stan, Bradley, Butters, Jason, Kenny, and Clyde).

**BEBE**  
**Did you hear that Craig came out of**  
**the closet?**

There is a very long pause despite the other activity in the hall.

**BUTTERS**  
**Woah...so he likes weiners?**

**CLYDE**  
**That's so brave, to be out of the**  
**closet at our age. Why hasn't he**  
**told me yet?**

**RED**  
**(snarky laugh)**  
**Well you can't expect him to be**  
**brave enough to tell all of you**  
**guys.**

**BRADLEY**  
**But we're proud of our gay friend,**  
**right guys?**

**ALL OF THEM EXCEPT STAN**  
**Right!**

Bebe notices Stan, head in locker and not saying a word. She nudges Stan in the shoulder.

**BEBE**  
**Have you heard about Craig? Isn't**  
**it amazing?**

Stan's posture and expression reeks of boredom. He closes his locker and looks at the girls, now growing in numbers.

**STAN**  
**Yeah, sure, I guess.**

The pause between the kids is noticeably awkward. All the kids, except for Stan, look back and forth to each other with certain contempt. Red steps up.

**RED**  
**You guess? You guess!? Do you**  
**realize how hard this must be for**  
**him? What if he was suicidal about**  
**this? Haven't you watched the news?**

**STAN**  
**I mean; it's no big deal.**

**CLYDE**  
**No big deal?**  
**(pause)**  
**But he's gay.**

**STAN**  
**So?**

Stan tries to walk away but Jimmy, who somehow joined the crowd when this started happening, slams him against the lockers with his crutch.

**JIMMY**  
**You don't get it, you fu-fu-**  
**FUH-king retard.**

Stan's eyes widen in fear.

The other kids get closer to him and start pushing him around.

**BEBE**  
**You need to learn some respect you**  
**homophobe.**

**TOKEN**  
**Bebe's right Stan. You're just**  
**being prejudiced.**

Stan crawls his way past their legs but they continue chasing after him.

**BUTTERS**  
**Stan. Stop being so gosh-darn**  
**ignorant.**

Clyde throws a book at Stan but it misses.

**NICHOLE**  
**How could you be such an asshole?**

Stan runs faster, his bookbag sliding off his shoulders, as all of the kids in the hall chant:

**HALLWAY KIDS**  
**HO-MO-PHOBE! HO-MO-PHOBE! HO-MO-**  
**PHOBE!**

**BEBE**  
**BASH THE BASHER!**

Dozens of things are tossed in Stan's direction as he makes it out the door.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CONTINUOUS

Stan jumps behind bushes, shaking, and holds his body in a fetal position against the wall. He shuts his eyes.

INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Craig enters, maintaining his deadpan demeanor.

Craig stops dead in his track when he sees his parents seated at the kitchen table with sympathetic demeanors.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Craig's parents show reassuring smiles as they sit on either side of him.

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Craig, you know your father and I**  
**love you very much.**

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**And we always will.**

Craig rolls his eyes.

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**And we want to talk to you about**  
**something.**

**CRAIG**  
**(pause)**  
**Okay.**

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Well you see honey, we've noticed**  
**that you've been dressing... well,**  
**different.**

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**Which is okay.**

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Very okay. And we've noticed that**  
**you've had a certain... interest in**  
**One Direction.**

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**Which isn't something to be ashamed**  
**of.**

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Not at all. We just want you to**  
**know that we, both, love you very**  
**much and we are always here for**  
**you if you want to tell us anything.**

Craig's parents are very much in Craig's personal space now, their smiles never changing. Craig is unaffected.

**CRAIG**  
**(long pause)**  
**Okay.**

Craig steps off his seat and prepares to retreat from the room but then his parents stand up.

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**Are you...?**

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Gay. It's okay if you are, we won't**  
**judge.**

**CRAIG**  
**(mumbling to self)**  
**_Not again._**

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**What was that?**

Craig breathes out, looks to his parents. Their expressions are super creepy.

**CRAIG**  
**I'm gay. Can I go to my room now?**

Craig's parents lunge at Craig with open arms. They kneel down to embrace him. They SOB loudly.

**CRAIG'S FATHER**  
**We're so proud of you son.**

**CRAIG'S MOTHER**  
**Our brave little boy.**

Craig flips off the air behind them.

INT. MARSH HOUSEHOLD - DAY

Stan is utterly destroyed. He drags his bookbag behind him, not even bothering to close the front door as he enters.

The house appears empty. Stan climbs the stairs, the bookbag THUMPING on each step.

The rims of his eyes are pinkish, as if he has been crying.

INT. MARSH HOUSEHOLD - STAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Stan collapses onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.

His bag and the contents of it are strewn across the floor.

CUT TO COMMERCIALS


End file.
